this was a rather short read, about 56 pages. and boy was it a strong reminder for us to consider: are we living a life based on our own terms or others (i.e. societal or family expectations)?
the protagonist ivan, lives a simple life. he’s married to a beautiful wife at a young age, had three kids: a boy, a girl and one dead.
most of his time is passed between three pleasures, playing cards, socialising and working.
whenever there’s trouble at home, i.e. fighting with the wife. he’d escape to work, burying himself deep into it or playing cards with his friends but never really making up with his wife.
he isn’t able to detach himself from work at all, he tried to when he was unemployed but failed to do so. when he moved over to his brother in law house but only lasted a few days before feeling bored and anguish that he must do something to earn money to proof his worth as a breadwinner and outcompete his former colleagues.
which he did quite so successfully, getting a job that paid him roughly 5,000 roubles over 3,500. this enabled him to get a bigger house and furnished it up nicely, though it was just to show that he is rich but not actually filthy rich.
but during the furnishing of his new house to look nice for others (ironically), he took a fall and that was the beginning of his end.
it started with a slight pain, then a weird taste in his mouth, periodic dull pain, and eventually it got so bad that he has to be bedridden, taking medication to relief it.
despite the medication and doctor intervention, his conditioned worsened. sadly, it took his life at the end of the day. but before he passed on, he begun reflecting amongst all his pain.
he realised that he might’ve been living a wrong live after all, living up to societal expectations (i.e. getting married early, having a high paying job and a nice house) rather than living his own life.
initially, he was in denial, screaming for days on end because how can he! this caused him a lot of spiritual pain, misery and mental anguish because accepting that he lived his life in vain and yet not having the ability to change it was too much for him to bear. he couldn’t figure out what a good life was and will never figure it out.
however, he eventually accepted it, reliving himself spiritually and allowing him to focus on fighting the physical pain he’s been facing.
to others, he was never really seen as an individual. just someone chasing higher pay, living up to society expectations and never once considering what he truly wants out of his life.
his true pleasure was playing whist, which are playing cards. but this was robbed from when he was critically ill and bedridden. without an outlet, he went bonkers and started to hurt people who cared for him.
he was thinking that they’re judging him, despising him and so on when nobody did that as it was all stories in his head.
so when people showed care for him, he got angry at them, slowly pushing them away. this didn’t serve ivan well because the adversed reaction from others only served as a confirmation bias for him that nobody cared.
eventually, he just shrivels up and cries to himself every night.
for me, this gave a “preview” to a psyche of someone who truly never lived AND realising that they are on their deathbed and there’s nothing they can do about it.
i would not want to be in that position when the time comes.
this pulls the future forward for me to think about what i truly want.
do i want the life ivan had? where he just continued marching on with what he has on his plate, heck even getting married was on a whim and just because its the societal norm. chasing the higher pay, flexing to be bougee. but living an empty shell to only realise it when he is close to death.
is the hustle worth it? is this truly what i want? does this really really drive me? are there other avenues of life i’m glossing over in pursuit of this single thing.
in retrospect, obsession / drive to do something is fine. but it must be come from within, not something that has secretly influenced me and god forbid just because the society told me to do so.